


six of yours beats anyone's dozen

by nameless_bliss



Series: An Imbalanced Social Dynamic [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: 5 percent feelings 95 percent trolling, Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Epistolary, Explicit Language, Gen, If you wanted another emotional character study this ain't it!, M/M, Missing Scenes, POV Stevie Budd, Present Tense, Text Messages, referenced sexual content, season 5, trolling as a love language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27740827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_bliss/pseuds/nameless_bliss
Summary: “I didn’t want to have this secret with anyone else.”The best part about Stevie knowing Patrick is going to propose to David, is that she knows he's going to propose to David.The worst part about Stevie knowing Patrick is going to propose to David, is that she knows he's going to propose to David.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer & Stevie Budd, Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: An Imbalanced Social Dynamic [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2014489
Comments: 99
Kudos: 313





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, again! 
> 
> The unbelievable amount of support I received for the previous fic in this series has, once again, encouraged me to write another installment! This is a self-indulgent look at the ramifications of Patrick and Stevie's little secret throughout Season 5. As the tags say: If you wanted another emotional character study, I apologize in advance. Because this is just 11 episodes of trolling. 💜💜💜

Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:47 PM patrick  
**Today** 11:15 PM patrick  
**Today** 11:54 PM patrick  
patrick  
patrick  
patrick  
??  
have you ever seen david vs. polar bear shots  
Yeah, that's my favorite marvel movie.  
shut up this is important  
I thought you guys were at a garden. Why are there shots at a garden?  
god patrick we are so far past that and i dont have time to catch you up  
If cherry blossoms are alcoholic now that’s something I need to know, Stevie.  
its so hard to be ur friend  
*gasp* you’re admitting we’re friends?? That’s pretty cringe  
not as cringe as calling something cringe  
or saying *gasp* whats wrong with u  
Sorry  
😱😱😱🙀🙀🙀😲😲😲😲😵😵🤯  
god ur so funny  
have you heard from david?  
No? Was I supposed to? I thought he was your problem tonight.  
Do we need to revisit the custody agreement?  
patrick  
patrick  
hes 7 shots deep  
hes doing karaoke  
in public  
in front of people  
hes doing mariah  
he has not figured out which octave he wants to be in  
hes done duets  
with strangers  
hes calling himself dana  
its unclear why  
patrick  
i have something very important to ask you  
This is my night off from you two, I shouldn’t have to be involved. Please respect my privacy.   
im not kidding, this is very important  
Fine, what?  
this is really the guy you wanna marry?  
STEVIE  
theres a lotta guys out there  
STOP  
and u want the one whos in vry real danger of slurring his way thru ‘one sweet day’ at the reception???  
he just made himself cry  
and ur like. Yep. Husband Material.  
Stevie you TRICKED ME into telling you that YOU CANT USE IT AGAINST ME NOW  
hang on  
u need to see this  
hes going for the whistle tone  
[IMG_4322]  
Behold: A Groom  
You’re a monster  
im just looking out for you, my dear friend. i want you to be able to make a fully informed decision about who you choose as a life partner.  
there are some cute guys here, do u want me to put out some feelers for u???  
find you one whos NOT   
yknow  
this?  
[IMG_4323]  
Oh my god  
He’s actually crying.   
hes had a lot of feelings tonight   
I guess that explains the texts I’ve been getting from him.   
It’s actually a relief to know there’s alcohol involved.   
It was a little disarming to think cherry blossoms make him this horny  
NO  
do NOT tell me about ur sexting u fuckin maniac!  
🤢🤢🤢  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 12:32 AM [IMG_4324]  
Where did he get a tiara?  
unclear   
Can you make sure he gets back to his room okay? Make sure he doesn’t  
Die?   
why? hes not MY husband  
Stevie PLEASE  
I thought we were friends you can’t be mean to me about this!  
lol what r u gonna do about it???  
sic ur drunk husband on me???  
STEVIE  
[IMG_4235]  
ur such a lucky man  
I’m not gonna put up with this  
but youre gonna put up with THIS mess for the rest of your life??????????  
I’m turning off my phone  
lol you think thatll stop me???  
god he just started fantasy AGAIN  
hes gonna make it all the way thru daydream  
so which mariah song is gonna be ur first dance???  
Leave me alone.  
so many good choices  
We’re done with this, Stevie.   
WAIT  
one more thing, its important  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 12:45 AM patrick  
patrick  
patrick  
Goodnight, Stevie.  
Patrick  
what  
will he always be ur baby?????  
I’m blocking your number.  



	2. Chapter 2

Patrick  
  
**Today** 1:15 AM Don’t even bother, I won’t answer.  
**Today** 1:32 AM patrick  
**Today** 1:55 AM patrick  
**Today** 2:02 AM Patrick  
Patrick its important  
its not about tonight  
i promise  
**Today** 2:14 AM patrick pls its about motel stuff  
i fucked up a pivot table  
I HAVE QUESTIONS HELP  
If this isn’t about a pivot table we’re not friends anymore.  
i promise  
What’s your question?  
is ted part of your marriage now?  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 2:37 AM patrick  
I’m not speaking to you anymore.  
its ur fault for thinking i was WORKING at 2am  
pivot tables. rube.  
so is david gonna have a separate marriage to ted  
or this is a full-blown throuple situation  
patrick please i need to know so i can plan what i wear to the wedding  
Why would that affect what you wear?  
i just wanted you to respond  
You’re a bad friend, Stevie.  
WAIT I GOT IT  
ill convince alexis to propose to ted  
and u can have a double wedding  
and itll be a double wedding where the spouses have all kissed each other   
Pretty sure David and Alexis have never kissed.  
families kiss sometimes thats a thing  
These are Roses  
fair  
ok INSTEAD  
u make alexis ur maid of honour and david makes ted his best man  
then both grooms have made out with their wedding parties  
its classy  
If that’s the only criteria, David would pick you  
FUCK UR RIGHT  
EXPAND THE WEDDING PARTIES  
everyone in town either of you have kissed!  
do you think jake owns a tux???  
maybe one with the sleeves ripped off  
Why is it that you can kiss David’s sister and no one gives you ANY SHIT for it, but you get to harass me for this all damn night?  
no one said u cant give me shit for it  
go ahead  
what shit do u wanna give me for that??  
hit me  


Patrick  
  
hit me  
Fuck you  
Like how you and ur hubby are gonna fuck ted?????  
I’m never telling you anything again  
why would you need to??? this one will never get old  
this was a special night, Patrick  
Stop texting me  
im gonna tell this story in my toast   
I’m not engaging with you anymore tonight.  
WHY WOULD YOU PICK   
THAT  
WORD??????????  
Go to bed, Stevie.  
but im trying to help you plan your wedding!  
good friends do that!  
im being a good friend!  
**Today** 2:45 AM patrick  
**Today** 2:57 AM patrick  
**Today** 3:07 AM patrick  


Dumbass  
  
**Today** 3:08 AM Patrick told me to tell you he turned his phone off.  



	3. Chapter 3

Patrick  
  
**Today** 6:50 PM Stevie  
  
**Today** 6:53 PM stevie  
  
**Today** 6:57 PM Stevie, come on  
  
**Today** 6:59 PM Stevie, please.  
ive said everything i have to say  
besides ive had a traumatic day. im still recovering.  
And as I’ve said, I’m very sorry that you can never look Mr. Rose in the eye again, but please. This is important. I need help.  
my opinion is exactly the same as it was an hour ago  
and the hour before that  
and the entire fucking day, patrick, weve been over all of this.  
But something’s different now  
???  
Now I’m at the restaurant  
in the parking lot  
dude  
look i dont want to be mean. i know this is serious. but ive been repeating myself all day and at this point it just feels like you arent listening to me. im checking out of this  
Wait  


Patrick  
  
Wait  
You’re right.  
I’m sorry.   
I’ll listen this time. I promise.  
what do you expect me to say?  
I don’t know  
I just need help  
what made you text me?  
this time, specifically??  
I was trying to choose an outfit. And I freaked out, because everything seemed too close to what I wore on my first date with David. And that felt wrong, I guess. I felt horrible. Now I want to go home and change.   
this is what happens when all ur clothes look the same  
Stevie, please.  
fine  
why dont you want to do this?  
I don’t know that I don’t want to.  
okay, then why DO you want to do it?  
David wants me to  
and what makes you think that?  
He s  
He literally told me to  
oh, David Rose said you should do something??? yeah, that totally means he’s 100% certain and its a really good idea  
come on man, its been over a year. youre smarter than this.  
Why would he have lied?  
i didnt say lying  
you know his history, and you know how his brain works.  
put ur fancy degree to use and piece some shit together  
My MBA program didn’t cover this  
patrick.  
You think he’s doing this just so I can’t do it first?  
i dont claim to know what hes doing. if you want to know that, youd have to ask HIM, not me  
but i think theres a chance hes putting this in front of you so you cant do it behind his back  
Does he really think I’d do that to him?  
theres a big difference between what he thinks of you, and what hes been taught to expect  
but also  
maybe he just wants you to have a fun date with a random  
do you want to have a fun date with a random?  
A cute guy smiled at me, and I liked that. It’s the first time a guy’s flirted with me  
I think I liked that too  
okay.   
david’s cute and flirts with you a lot  


Patrick  
  
david’s cute and flirts with you a lot  
It’s the first time a queer man assumed that I’m one too.   
I really liked that.   
that makes sense  
i get all of that  
but none of it means you want to go on a date with ken  
you can flirt with all the hot queer men you want without dating them.   
and to be clear  
its fine if you want to go on this date. im not telling you to not do it.  
i just want to know if you WANT to go on this date  
I might  
why?   
David’s the only man I’ve been with. That’s why he told me to do this, to see what else is out there. I hadn’t thought of it like that, but now I don’t   
I don’t want him to think that I’m only with him because he’s the first guy I happened to find.  
so youre doing this just to prove him wrong  
It would prove it to myself too  
**Today** 7:23 PM do you still want to marry him?  
Yes  
youre sure?  
Of course   
but how do you know?  
??  
I just know, there’s not a why  
you KNOW for a FACT that you want to spend the entire rest of your life with him?  
Yes  
but what if you meet someone better?  
I won’t  
but how do KNOW?  
how can you know theres no one better if david is the only man youve ever been with?  
That’s not how it works! I could be with a hundred other guys and it wouldn’t ever matter, I don’t need to have been with anyone else to know for a fact that David is the only  
oh.  
yeah  
But I want David to know that. And he made it seem like this is a way to show him.  
have you tried   
telling him?  
with words?  
Fair point.  
look  
if you want to date this guy, date him. dont overthink it. it only means exactly what you want it to mean   
(as long as youre clear with ken AND david about what it means)  
but only date him because YOU WANT to date him, not for any mind game bullshit  
if you dont want to date him, dont  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 7:45 PM its still early, and youve got a whole night free  
how do you want to spend it?  
**Today** 7:58 PM With the man I’m going to marry.  
okay  
also 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 jesus christ  
Sorry.  
**Today** 8:16 PM Stevie  
Thank you.  
dont ever make me do this again  
Deal  



	4. Chapter 4

Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:23 AM patrick  
patrick  
why is there a baby in the store  
davids not okay with this  
remove the baby  
??  
I’m not there, I’m still waiting for my audition.  
What baby?  
THATS WHAT IM ASKING  
also whyy does he keeep complaining to me? im getting live updates of literally everything the baby does  
this is something he should be torturing YOU with  
I told him I wasn’t bringing my phone with me to the audition  
???  
I didn’t want him texting instead of working.   
ah, good thing youve masterfully solved that problem  
Yeah I didn’t think it through  
  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:41 AM patrick he wont shut up about this fuckin baby  
I don’t know what you expect me to do about this, Stevie. I am not there, I cannot remove the baby  
Also even if I were there I wouldn’t remove the baby, what’s wrong with you?  
patrick  
i have a question  
I don’t like your questions  
no this ones fine  
??  
have you fully prepared yourself for a childless life?   
because, based on careful observation   
i think theres a SMALL CHANCE that david doesnt want kids  
Stevie. I am aware.  
Anyone who’s ever spoken to David for more than 5 minutes is aware  
Also I thought we were done with the part of our friendship where you make fun of me for this  
i never agreed to that  
This isn’t fun for me  
that sounds like a you problem   
you seem like the Kids type  
Thanks?  
i mean youd be good at it  
I’m good at a lot of things that I don’t want to do for the rest of my life.  
i guess thats fair  
but like  
youve got Resting Little League Coach Face you really dont want kids?  
They let you coach other peoples’ kids, you know.   
weird  
I don’t want kids.  
😐🤔  
I want to marry a man who doesn’t want kids. That means I don’t want kids  
yikes  
No, I don’t mean it like that  
I mean  
I always wanted kids. But that was when I wanted a wife. Then I realized that I didn’t want a wife, I just always assumed I did. And that made me realize that I actually get to decide what I want, instead of assuming. And that changed a lot of things for me.   
Turns out life is more fun when you actually get to decide what you want to do with it.  
thats like  
profound  
Guess so  
ew  
dont get profound in our goddamn texts u weirdo  
Sorry.   
  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:55 AM Please tell David to be nice to the baby.  
tell him urself  
Sorry Stevie I cannot. I’m very busy with this audition.   
whatever   
good luck  
It’s break a leg  
i know  
i just dont care  
You’re so sweet  
✌️  



	5. Chapter 5

Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:17 PM Stevie  
**Today** 10:23 PM Stevie  
Stevie, are you going to tell me your news?  
Stevie, I know you have news  
Stevie I want you to tell me your news  
?  
I heard some news  
Stevie  
Stevie is it true????????  
how do u know about that? i havent even told david yet  
? David’s the one who told me??  
?  
He told me a rumor he heard about you… and the show… and you in the show……  
oh that  
yeah mrs rose talked to me  
And you said………..?????????  
i think i technically said ‘whatever’  
STEVIE PLEASE  
i said yes.  
Sally???  
i guess so  
STEVIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS STEVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 🎉🎉🎉🎉😍😍😍😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💙💙💙💙💙💥💥💥💥🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉  
STEVIE THIS IS AMAZING  
I’M SO EXCITED   
calm down  
NO  
I’ve been so worried about rehearsals taking up all of my Annoy Stevie time for the next few months. It was really stressing me out  
But now I get to annoy you AT REHEARSAL  
STEVIE ITS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUNNNNNN  
hang on  
i need to go tell mrs. rose im dropping out  
Very funny  
im gonna make sure she knows its ur fault  
shes gonna be so mad   
do u think this will be enough for her to fire u?  
If she fires me, then I won’t have rehearsals any more, and I can still spend all that time annoying you ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
i cant believe you copied the shrug emoji for that  
Yes you can.  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:49 PM Seriously, I’m very excited about this. You’re gonna be amazing.  
yeah sure  
I mean it! I should have tried harder to get you to audition.  
yeah thats the motivation i needed. bullying.  
What are friends for if not a little mild harassment?  
whatever  
Also I’m glad you’ll be around because I need more people in the cast who like me.  
Because I guess Ronnie hates me now, so that’s fun.   
patrick  
listen to me very carefully  
ronnie has always hated you  
Hilarious  
im not kidding  
Wha  
Why do you think that?  
she told me  
Why would she tell you that?  
shes told everyone  


Patrick  
  
shes told everyone  
Well. Now I have a pleasant, collaborative environment and plenty of time in which to change her mind.  
im sure thatll go well for you  
Regardless, it’s gonna be a great time.  
sure  
Cmon, aren’t you excited???   
Months of time we’re forced to spend together, even when you’re mean to me. I’ll be a captive audience for all of your attacks.  
And I’ll probably be in lederhosen or something  
Doesn’t that sound fun?  
sounds terrifying but whatever  
You’re gonna be so good  
k you can stop now  
You are! You’re PERFECT for Sally!  
sure  
And you crush literally everything you do.   
yeah ive crushed all the nothing ive done  
You can make all the self-deprecating jokes you want, that doesn’t mean I have to put up with them.   
You’ve done a lot.   
I mean, how many people can say they’ve won an actual goddamn award for their day job??  
feels real special getting a piece of plastic for working a front desk  
Okay, you know what? No.   
I usually let you get away with that, but I’m not in the mood right now  
You’ve got to stop   
?  
No offense, but I’m fucking tired of hearing you shit all over your job  
stop typing its my turn to talk  
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with working at a motel  
Your coworkers are a former ceo of a major company, and the MAYOR, and neither of them seem to be embarrassed by it like you are.  
Second of all, you don’t “work at a motel”  
You OWN THE DAMN THING  
You don’t work at a motel you OWN A MOTEL and you work there because that’s what owners do.   
Every time I have to hear you complain that you work the front desk it wears me down, and I’m done. I’m tired.   
I also own a local business, and I spend a good chunk of my day working the counter   
Am I supposed to be ashamed of it? Like you are?  
  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 11:06 PM thats not the same  
It really is, though  
And as a fellow small business owner, I am formally telling you, as your peer:  
Knock it off  
You own a business that’s gotten infinitely more successful since you took over. You got the lead in a show without even auditioning because Mrs. Rose trusts you with a role that is very important and personal to her. You’re a good friend, and a lot of people care about you.  
Your baseball team sucks, but that’s only partially your fault.   
You have a lot going on, and a lot to be proud of. I can’t make you see that, but I can tell you when you’re being an idiot.   
And you’re being a fucking idiot.   
whatever  
You misspelled “You’re right, Patrick, I’m sorry for being so mean to myself, thank you for your support”  
here ill try:  
fuck off and leave me alone  
thats weird, it autocorrected  
Right  
  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 12:15 AM i wish david had never forced you into my life  
Love you, too ❤️  
gross  



	6. Chapter 6

Jackass  
  
**Today** 9:13 AM patrick  
**Today** 9:35 AM patrick  
**Today** 10:03 AM PATRICK  
PATRICK U PIECE OF SHIT  
In the middle of something, what’s up?  
How dare you  
How DARE YOU  
HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME  
???  
the one time  
THE ONE  
TIME  
i have to miss a game  
THE ONE GAME I MISS THE ENTIRE FUCKING SEASON  
THATS the game where you get DAVID   
FUCKING  
ROSE  
TO PLAY????????????????  
Wow, I didn’t know his middle name 😯  
PATRICK  
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?????  
How could *I* make you miss a game because of rehearsal???  
Stevie I don’t have that power  
I believe all of this anger should be directed at Mrs. Rose  
Should I forward these texts to her, or?????  
fuck off  
fuck you  
im so fucking furious right now  
im gonna miss the ONE CHANCE to see david do this  
and even worse  
im gonna miss your absolute decimation  
ur gonna get eviscerated  
the field will be strewn with your corpses  
and i don’t even get to participate  
Your trash talk might be a bit premature  
Have you not heard who YOUR replacement is?  
whoever it is theyre not fuckin worse than david rose  
Mmmmmm  
[IMG_3581]  
I think it’s too close to call  
w  
what the fuck am i looking at  
It started as David and me warming up, but things devolved pretty quickly.  
thwre  
there are 2 roses  
in this baseball game  
Apparently.  
im  
im gonna strangle you  
im gonna squeeze the life out of you with my bare hands til ur eyes pop out of your head like a stress toy  
youve robbed me of something you can never give back  
Hey, I had NOTHING to do with getting Mr. Rose  
Blame your own garbage team for that  
patrick  
your about to play a game against johnny rose  
patieck  
I am aware, Stevie.  
if this is going to be a fair game, you know what that means?  
you cant treat him any differently  
you need to treat him like you treat me  
patrick  
i fully expect you to look your future father in law in the eye, and tell him youre going to murder him and dance on his grave  
its only fair  
Stevie  
you tell me that every single game, patrick. you cant give him special treatment just because you wanna win good son points  
that wouldnt be fair  
I’m not going to trash talk Mr. Rose moron  
OUTRAGE  
FOUL PLAY  
a heinous double standard, THIS SHALL NOT BE TOLERATED  
god im gonna miss seeing you harass your future dad  
im gonna miss getting to harass david  
im gonna miss getting to humiliate you both  
im gonna miss the sublime anguish of your crushing defeat  
i cant go to this rehearsal. im gonna tell mrs rose i have the flu  
If you show up, Mr. Rose won’t have to play anymore  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 10:17 AM i hate you  
i hate you more than i have ever hated anyone else in my life  
the english language doesnt contain words strong enough to express how deeply i despise you  
i hope youre excited to die alone because theres no way in hell ur ever getting my blessing after this  
Bold of you to assume I’d want the blessing of someone on a losing baseball team ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 5:22 PM patrick  
  
**Today** 7:02 PM patrick  
  
**Today** 8:19 PM patrick  
  
**Today** 8:44 PM patrick  
  
**Today** 10:20 PM Sorry, just saw these. I’ve been pretty  
Busy  
tonight  
well when ur done making ur bf cum i have something to tell you  
Stevie, grow up.  
My future husband won the championship game today.  
I didn’t only make him come ONCE.  
😒  
What did you need?  
i had something important to tell you about rehearsal tomorrow but now im not gonna  
probably never gonna talk to you again tbh  
im out  
enjoy davids crooked penis  
Way ahead of you 😉  
🤮  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of all the little details Dan dropped into the show without fully exploring, the one I will _never forgive him_ for not letting us see is Patrick and Stevie on rival baseball teams. We were truly robbed. 💔💔💔


	7. Chapter 7

Jackass  
  
**Today** 11:04 AM Stevie  
Stevie  
stevie stevie stevie stevie  
??   
arent u still in class or whatever  
The seminar’s only halfway done  
I’m so bored  
It’s SO BORING, Stevie.  
i thought u loved boring shit  
I do.  
That’s how bad this one is. It’s making me hate tax code.  
This seminar is evil, it’s ruining my passions. Killing my joy.   
im not gonna drop everything and entertain you thats ur bf’s job  
David’s working, I don’t want to distract him.  
I am WORKING WITH HIM, jackass  
You multitask better than he does.  
if ur not gonna pay attention anyway just go back to the store  
alexis is still in charge  
she and ted are probably fucking all over the place  
Oh nooooo, whatever shall we do?!? No one’s EVER had sex in the store before!!! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱  
gross  
Like you can judge. I know for a fact that you’ve had sex in your workplace.   
my workplace is A MOTEL  
everyone in this town has had sex in my workplace  
YOUVE had sex in my workplace  
hey does that mean i can have sex in the store? make things fair?  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 11:15 AM patrick  
**Today** 11:22 AM patrick  
**Today** 11:31 AM im gonna take your silence as a yes  
maybe ill see if twyla’s free for a bit  
which is comfier: the couch in the back room, or that weird armchair upstairs???  
**Today** 11:43 AM no answer???? guess ill have to try both  
Stevie please. I’m trying to pay attention to this very important seminar.  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 12:54 PM patrick  
patrick someone just thought im married to david  
patrick  
help me  
she put that thought in my head and im traumatized  
Tormented™  
patrick  
patrick  
can you imagine being MARRIED to david rose???  
Stevie   
i mean what a NIGHTMARE, right???  
Stevie, please  
like, youd be stuck with him. LEGALLY stuck with him. forever. no escape.   
hed have so many opinions  
about everything. always  
youd never be able to get dressed in peace. hed always be there, every morning, insulting your clothes   
he knows what all your clothes look like, but every day he insults them anew  
all his Products™ clog your bathroom   
you have to keep your shampoo behind the toilet. there isnt room anywhere else  
so much neoprene  
it starts with the clothes. then its the curtains. then the rugs. you reach into the fridge. somehow, you feel only neoprene  
the furniture gets replaced. its all monochrome now. the color drains slowly, day by day. everything is on a 97 degree angle. its all…….. funky   
his weird family is always there   
his weird family is now YOUR weird family   
you have to introduce your family to the roses and pretend anything about them makes sense  
you can never admit theyre all batshit because theyre always there, just out of sight, in the corner of your eye. youre never quite sure if you see them, but you know  
theyre there  
every thanksgiving   
every chrismukkah   
every year. for the rest of your life  
Stevie   
you try to pick out a new bedspread  
its incorrect  
you put on socks  
theyre incorrect  
you pick up a pen  
incorrect  
you breathe  
incorrect  
incorrect  
incorrect  
every day  
every moment  
forevrr   
shit should i make this a creepypasta???  
Stevie.  
hes called Sweaterman  
its written in 2nd person, and the story is about you slowly realizing that he never leaves you alone, and it gets more and more tense, and then the wham line right at the end is realizing- youre wearing his wedding ring  
i just got chills   
imagine, patrick  
imagine being permanently, legally bound to him  
Wed to Sweaterman   
Stevie, please stop making me horny while I’m at this seminar. My notepad isn’t big enough to hide my erection.   
AWFUL  
NIGHTMARE  
NIGHTMARE PERSON  


Jackass  
  
god maybe davids just the exposition and YOURE the creepypasta  
Buttonboy   
Sweaterman and Buttonboy, combining their powers of horror to ruin my life   
Well, I can outdo that   
You think marriage is bad? Imagine being *friends* with them.  
It’s so much worse, because it’s NOT legally binding.   
There’s nothing making you stay  
You’re CHOOSING to be there, day after day  
Every sarcastic insult you put up with  
Every sappy, lovey-dovey moment you witness   
Every time they sincerely tell you how much they love and cherish you  
You COULD leave  
You could leave any time you wanted   
But you don’t  
You’re choosing to stay and put up with them   
Day after day  
It’s all your own fault  
It’s almost like…  
You actually LIKE it  
😳😳😳😱😱😱💀💀💀  
Terrifying  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 1:16 PM you ruin everything   
Stevie, please be careful today.   
?  
I think Sweaterman might be… at the town hall  
🖕  
Oh no, I’m too late 😭  
Will Sweaterman never cease his gory rampage???  
I’ll remember you fondly 😔😔😔  
im turning my phone off now  
I will avenge you!!!  



	8. Chapter 8

Jackass  
  
**Today** 8:36 AM patrick  
Patrick  
patrick patrick patrick pat patty pbrew   
patrick  
Yes?  
[](https://i.ibb.co/WxNfFsH/b24cd9ef99862e50de71a53b87a1255151c9be5d1fb311ac1fcf26ee69f1f98c-0.png)  
  
That looks nothing like you.  
thays just cuz youve never seen me smile  
here  
[](https://i.ibb.co/P5gqP5C/d16acee6d5fcd606af593f81c2d670ba2a83ef0ffe641e45b6950bc85cc61336-0.png)  
  
better???  
Actually, yes  
Thanks ❤️  
unfortunately, as you are now 30 Years Old, your boytoy license has officially been revoked. you should be receiving your old man license in 6-8 weeks  
Well that’s bullshit, I’ll probably have died of old age by then.   
thems the breaks. cant have you fraternizing with the youngins anymore. your only friends now are mr rose and bob.   
God, I don’t even get Roland??  
do u WANT him???  
Fair.   
Hey, what are you up to tonight?  
hanging out with ppl my own age  
Ha ha  
typing out laughter??? ANCIENT  
I don’t have much planned, I think David and I are just getting dinner.   
Want to come with? We need to vicariously relive our youths through you, our only young friend.   
wait  
david asked u to dinner   
on ur bday   
and ur inviting me as a third wheel??  
thats like  
full circle  
thats just POIGNANT   
really makes u think   
It just worked so well last time, y’know  
but wait im confused, am i a buffer again, or does this mean im on a date with you??  
because no offense but like  
id rather die   
For what it’s worth, I’ve been told that I’m very good to the women I pretend to be attracted to on dates.   
so tempting  
but no  
mrs rose is making me do show stuff tonight  
??? It’s supposed to be a night off.   
try telling her that  
she wants to use the time outside of the rehearsal space to do “grounding character work” and “memory-scaping”   
Oh god  
I am very sorry   
ill make sure im free on your bday next year  
if ur yknow  
still alive :/  
31 is kinda pushing it tho  
You know David is older than me  
THATS ur best defense?!?!?!?!  
fine we can do something tomorrow  
if we must  
But that means I’ll have to go on this date with David by myself.  
Thats kinda gay  
oh my god  
idk man youd better get used to it  
if ur gonna be having dinner with him, like  
forever? u should be able to handle one night  
with how much you love him and all  
i kinda assumed you enjoy spending time with the man youre going to marry   
Aw, Stevie   
That’s almost… nice???  
You brought up The Thing and you BARELY made fun of me for it   
That’s NEVER happened 🥺  
shut up  
its just cuz its ur bday  
dont expect it to happen again  
Oh of course not.   
Wouldn’t dream of it  
Your secret is safe with me 😉  
p sure this is still your secret, jackass  
MY secret is that I’m going to marry David. But now I know YOUR secret is that you’re excited for us and support our love.   
god i hate you  
Mmmmmm do you though?  
I think you might actually  
Kinda like me  
k im out  
happy bday  
i didnt get u anything  
The warm embrace of your friendship is all I need.   
barf  
enjoy ur date i hope it sucks  
[](https://i.ibb.co/sFdQhdZ/c7248459d7cc0035bd66cc3c80dfc2c7439c2e1358cb5e773cd542de4611c3bf-0.png)  
  
Love you, too. Enjoy whatever memory-scaping is.   
Maybe have a strong drink first.   
yeah im gonna be having a lot more than 1  
Good call.   


Jackass  
  
Probably not from the cafe though? David just texted, apparently there’s a salmonella problem.   
well fuck  
ive been craving chicken tartar and raw cookie dough all week   
what am i gonna do now???  
I’m sorry for your loss  
thanks for the heads up  
It’s what friends are for.   
fuck off  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually have an opinion about Stevie's age, relative to Patrick's. I just needed her to be younger to make the jokes work; don't @ me.


	9. Chapter 9

Jackass  
  
**Today** 1:46 PM patricj  
patrick  
its 2pm  
ans im STILL hungover   
i hate u  
i hate u forevrr im never forgiving u  
Hey, we were fine with just the beers, the gin was your idea! Don’t blame me!  
the whole night was ur fault   
it was YOUR idea to ply me with alcohol to lower my defenses and get me to sleep with you  
those optics arent great buddy  
I offered you alcohol with the sole purpose of getting you to let me whine about how badly I want to marry your ex-boyfriend. I think you might be intentionally misrepresenting those optics.   
buddy  
im not ginna read that many words bitch  
my head hurts  
You texted me!  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 3:01 PM patrick  
??  
davids being mean to me  
Yeah that’s kinda his thing. Have you not noticed?  
Patrick  
??  
hes ur husband make him stop  
A) he’s not my husband yet  
B) pretty sure that’s not how marriage works  
THEN WHATS THE POINT  
I’ll tell him to be nice to you   


Jackass  
  
**Today** 3:17 PM god that actually worked  
he left me alone  
Yeah, he’s being mean to me instead now.   
what a catch  
you must be DYING to put a ring on that  
put 4 rings on that  
Again, as I said last night: I can’t wait.   
gross   


Jackass  
  
hey that makes me think  
thats the ONE THING you didnt say last night  
??  
whens it happening?  
I’m not sure yet.   
NOT SURE????  
u expect me to believe theres ANY PART of this that u havent planned and daydreamed and spreadsheeted???????  
I’m serious! I haven’t decided!  
BULLSHIT  
TELL ME THE PLAN BREWER  
I’m still tr  
stop typing and let me explain!!!  
I’m still deciding. I originally planned to do it after the show ended. But the rings were ready earlier than I anticipated, so I thought I’d do it after the show opened instead. But now, I j  
I don’t know if I can wait that long.  
I really want to do this, Stevie.   
I’m sick of him not knowing I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’m so sick of not getting to tell him.   


Jackass  
  
wow, so its not enough to get to talk about it with me??? i thought we had something special   
You know I love you, but sometimes I want to talk about it with someone who won’t bully me for it.   
u think DAVID wont bully u??????????????  
man i dont think u should propose when u clearly know NOTHING about him :///////  
Are you saying I don’t have your blessing anymore?? 😢😢😢  
why do you need it NOW??? you wont even tell me when youre gonna ask  
for all i know you wont actually need my blessing for months   
years  
You know damn well I’m in much more danger of snapping and doing it right now than I am of waiting YEARS.   
oooohhhhh PLEASE do it right now  
propose to david rose via text message  
the day after u spammed him with drunk texts at 1am  
propose to him now  
while mr rose is forcing him to help change sheets  
please patrick  
i need this  
Stevie  
u can send him a picture of the rings itll be just as good  
What if I haven’t taken any pictures of them??  
🙄🙄🙄  
Fair  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 3:45 PM for real tho  
can you give me a heads up when you get your shit together and figure this out?  
i want a fair warning  
That’s assuming I have enough self control to give myself a fair warning   
im serious  
Sure  
thanks  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 5:03 PM patrick  
??  
hes being mean again  
Until we’re married, he’s legally not my problem.   
can we rework the custody agreement???  
No. ❤️  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But wait," I hear you say, "'durch ein winziges wort' didn't take place during 'The Roast'. This conversation doesn't fit into the timeline!"
> 
> To which I say, "shhh."


	10. Chapter 10

Jackass  
  
**Today** 9:02 AM patrick  
patrick  
my good friend Patrick  
my dear wonderful excellent reliable generous friend Patrick  
Oh Jesus what’s happening?  
Did you kill someone?  
no  
Is it David did you kill David???????  
NO  
not yet anyway  
Then what’s with the totally unsuspicious tone??  
i was just wondering if you wanted to spend this lovely day having some wholesome, quality bonding time with me, your dear wonderful beloved friend  
while we fold a shitton of programs  
Ah.   
patrick please  
i offered to help and ive folded like 3 and im already so over it  
itll be fun we can like  
watch baseball   
or make a spreadsheet about it  
Wow, you’ve known me for 2 years and that’s all you think I do for fun?  
am i wrong???  
Regardless  
I already have plans with David today.   
NO  
WHY  
just ditch him just ditch this one time hell get over it  
It’s our first day off together in a long time. I’ve barely seen him at all with tech week.   
you work with him EVERY DAY  
Besides that  
Rain check?  
oh yeah you can just hop in and help me the next time i need to fold all these programs by tomorrow 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃  
I’m sorry.   
god  
ur not even married yet and ur already abandoning all ur other friends   
i always knew you would steal david away from me eventually but i didnt know hed steal you away from me too  
what a plot twist  
what a world  
Wait  
Do you really think that?  
Stevie  
oh god pls dont psychoanalyze my self loathing jokes  
let me cope in peace  
Idk my therapist says that’s a pretty unhealthy coping mechanism  
if i cared about ur therapists opinion theyd be my therapist  
Stevie.   
it was a joke leave me alone  
i have programs to fold  
I have to  
no  
It’s texting, you can’t really stop me  
But you can pretend you didn’t see it and never respond   
I know you and David don’t like talking about this, but I don’t have that problem. So I’m perfectly comfortable pointing out how much you two love each other. He loved you way before he ever loved me, and even if he would never admit it, he’s fully capable of loving more than one person.   
And even though NEITHER of you would ever admit it, I think you both know that that’s because of you. I figured out a long time ago that I wouldn’t have David if David didn’t have you.   
And David is the love of my life, but I still care about a lot of people, and you’re one of them whether you like it or not. I honestly don’t give a shit if you hate it, that’s not changing my mind.   
We’re this insufferable with you now, and that’s not going away once we’re married. You’re stuck with us, so you’d better fucking deal with it.   
K I’m done. I promise I won’t subject you to something like that again.   
At least not for a while  
Like, maybe a week or two.   


Jackass  
  
**Today** 11:31 AM im ditching the rest of these programs at ur apartment. i cant handle any more  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 2:14 PM is david still with u?  
hes not answering  
he needs to answer this is serious   
hospital serious   
if ur ignoring me im gonna kill you  
y isnt david answering  
i KNOW he has his phone hes never not had his phone   
Patrick  
patrick  


Jackass  
  
**Today** 7:42 PM Shit we haven’t had service I’m just seeing thesr   
whats wrong??  
what hospital we’ll be right there  
nvm its fine now  
??   
mr rose made us go to the er to get tums  
tell david to ignore his voicemails   
We have 14 voicemails and 35 texts between us because Mr Rose   
Had heartburn?  
yep  
i cant even make a joke thats how bullshit it was  
You sure you don’t need us?  
conceited much???  
im sure mr and mrs rose will tell u all about it soon enough. very calmly and rationally.   
I look forward to it.   


Jackass  
  
Did you finish the programs?  
no thanks to u  
so many papercuts   
You are a kind and selfless soul  
gross   
i hope you and david had fun callously ignoring all of our hard work and medical emergencies   
Thanks  
It was a pretty good day  
I impaled my foot on a stick, though   
OH GREAT  
i thought you were supposed to be davids adult supervision but i guess you need to find a more adult adult   
cant have you dying every time youre left alone for one damn afternoon  
because this day has taught me that you two might actually be the least annoying of the roses which is  
unfortunate  
Stevie, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me 🥺🥺  
dont get used to it  



	11. Chapter 11

Stevie buckles her shoes right as 5 is called.

She lets out a shaky breath. She’s done. It’s a fucking miracle, but she’s ready. She made it—thanks entirely to Mrs. Rose’s surprisingly level-headed help with hair and makeup. It’s still a closer call than she’d like, but she should have just enough time, if she hurries. 

And hurry, she does. She checks the dressing room, the green room, the hallway to the lobby, all his usual nooks and crannies— 

She finds him halfway down the stairs. His head is bowed, his hips and shoulders moving minutely in obvious approximation of the opening choreography. He turns around when he hears her thundering down behind him, the furious clip-clop of the heels she hasn’t had time to warm up in. His face breaks into a warm, disgusting grin. “Hey, how’re y—”

She punches his shoulder, putting her whole body into. 

_“Shit!”_ Patrick stumbles back, grabbing the railing to keep himself from tumbling down the stairs. “Ow! What the hell, I _need_ this arm!”

She punches him again. “‘Ohhhhh, Stevie’,” she whines, high-pitched and nasal, “‘I’m gonna do it after the show opens. I’ll let you know. I’ll give you warning since that’s the _one thing_ you asked for! Ohh, my day with David was _fine,_ Stevie, nothing special. I’m a big fuckin’ liar, Stevie!’” She swings again—

Patrick catches her fist. “I’m sorry!” he says—but he’s laughing, so it’s pretty clear he’s full of shit. “I’m very sorry.”

She wrenches her hand out of his grip. “Months! We’ve been doing this bullshit for fucking _months,_ and you can’t even give me a heads up? Not even—!” she shakes her head, too furious to sort the words into the right order. “Not only do you _not_ tell me it’s happening, you don’t even tell me it happened! I have to find out the next day like some kind of idiot! You _promised_ you’d tell me. Was that just some 4D chess bullshit to make me feel stupid?”

Patrick’s face scrunches up in a guilty wince. “No, that was just a lie. It was always part of the plan that I wouldn’t tell you.” He shrugs. “I didn’t expect you to ask like that. I panicked.”

Stevie… doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about that. She presses her mouth into a hard line and blinks and doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t sting and it doesn’t make anything tighten in her throat. “Cool. Thanks,” she says flatly, quiet enough that her voice can’t waver—not that it matters, because it wouldn’t anyway.

“No, I—” Patrick moves a little closer to her. “I wanted David to tell you. And I wanted it to be a surprise. So he would be the one who got your real reaction.”

Stevie swallows. “That’s…” she clears her throat. “Whatever.” She pulls her shoulders back. “I’m still mad at you.”

He smiles. “I deserve that.”

“Eugh,” Stevie wrinkles her nose. “Don’t do that; it’s not fun to be pissed if you _approve._ ”

“Sorry.” He straightens out his mouth, but the fucking dimples don’t go anywhere. “I am very devastated by your anger.”

“Fuck off.”

He laughs, and leans against the wall. And she presses her lips together, and breathes, and… 

They stand on the stairs, shoulder to shoulder, looking down into the wing. Stevie takes another breath, and she hears Patrick do the same.

“Holy shit,” she says quietly.

Patrick hums. “Yeah.”

Stevie shakes her head. She’s already a heartbeat away from crawling out of her skin to escape the looming fate of the places call; the last thing she needs right now is to feel _itchy_ on top of it. 

“At least the nightmare is finally over,” she says, because it’s the first deflection she can think of. “Don’t have any goddamn secret to deal with anymore. What a relief.”

She chuckles dryly, but Patrick doesn’t. He doesn’t say… anything, for long enough that Stevie glances over to see if he died—

His face is weird, and not his usual type of weird. It’s pinched, tense, he looks… bad. Uncomfortable.

Then he turns to her, and blurts, “I threw up on the floor at the Wobbly Elm.”

Stevie blinks. “What.”

“David and I went out a few weeks ago, and we got wasted, and I had to puke and I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. But no one was around, so I lied. I told David I saw someone else do it.”

Stevie frowns. She opens her mouth… and closes it again. “Okay?”

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t—” Patrick tries to shove his hands in his pockets, but the pockets in his costume aren’t deep enough for him to cram his whole arm in there like usual, so he ends up with his shoulders hunched up by his ears. “I hadn’t thought that it was over, until you said it. And I…” he tilts his head to one side. “I dunno. I guess I’m not ready to not have a secret with you anymore.”

Stevie… doesn’t know how to take that. It’s… annoying, obviously. It’s stupid, and ridiculous, he’s a ridiculous annoying stupid person. 

She raises an eyebrow. “What makes you think I won’t tell David?”

“It’s a secret. You can’t,” Patrick says plainly. “You kept the last one.”

“You get that there’s a difference though, right?”

“Please, Stevie? Please don’t tell anyone.” He raises his eyebrows. “It’s such good material to mock me with. And if no one else knows, you’re the _only_ one who can mock me with it. You have exclusive roasting rights.”

Stevie rolls her eyes. She can feel one side of her mouth start to quirk upward, so she quickly covers it with her best scowl. “Fine. But you’re plenty easy to roast without any help.”

He smiles. “Love you, too.”

Wh—

“What?!” She punches him again—and again, for good measure. “Fuck is your problem?! Don’t say that _out loud,_ jackass!”

Patrick laughs as he rubs his arm. “Sorry, guess I’m just feeling kinda sentimental today.” His smile gets squishy. “Can’t imagine why.” 

Stevie gags. “Have some shame. Fuckin’ weirdo.”

He laughs again. “Stevie, you haven’t even _begun_ to see my shamelessness. That’s how bad it was when I had a boyfriend I was trying to keep my cool around. Now, I have a fiancé.”

A cold dread tugs at the pit of Stevie’s stomach. “Oh, god,” she whimpers, “and now there’s _two_ of you.”

Patrick smirks his garbage asshole smirk. “Don’t worry, I’m sure David will be very understated and reasonable about all of it.”

Stevie groans. “It’s never gonna end. I can’t escape.”

“You really can’t,” Patrick says, enjoying himself far too much.

Stevie gags again, shaking herself out.

But then it’s quiet, for a moment, and she… 

She should.

She’s not sure if she _can,_ but she should, and she knows it. She tastes something sour in the back of her throat, and she feels a shiver run down her spine, and she just absolutely fucking _hates_ this, but she knows this is her best chance, and if she doesn’t do it now, she never will— 

“Hey, um.” She takes a breath. “Congratulations.”

Patrick’s smile changes, turning upside-down and awful. “Thanks.”

Stevie takes another breath, and then another… and… she lets herself smile back. 

God, that’s too much. That’s horrible, this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. She needs to fix it—she needs to do _something_ to kill this moment before she pukes all over herself like Patrick on a bender. Her skin isn’t just itchy, it’s on _fire,_ and if she doesn’t tell Patrick he’s a stupid piece of shit immediately she knows she’ll combust on the spot. She opens her mouth— 

“Places!”

Stevie chokes on her own breath. 

“Thank you, places,” she and Patrick reply, hearing the calls and footsteps start to trickle in from the green room. And everything else gets pushed out, the hot, twisty feeling _instantly_ replaced with the icy panic of… holy fuck. Places.

She doesn’t remember to breathe until she hears Patrick do it next to her, letting it out in a low, slow whistle.

“Okay.” He bumps his arm against hers. “Ready for this?”

Stevie breathes. “No.”

Patrick grins. “Me, neither.” He hops down to the next step, and offers her his hand. “Let’s do it.”

For just one quick, private moment, Stevie smiles.

Then she rolls her eyes, and shoves Patrick down the stairs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are.
> 
> If you read, kudos'd, commented, reblogged, or engaged in any way with the fics in the series, this is dedicated to you. Thank you for letting me indulge in every nonsense thought I've had about this friendship, and thank you for receiving it so kindly. I would never have been able to write this without your encouragement. This series has honestly been the most I've enjoyed writing in a very long time, so thank you all for that, as well. 💜💜💜
> 
> Title taken from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! I'd always love to hear from you, either here or over on my [tumblr](https://my-nameless-bliss.tumblr.com/post/635974876206923776)! Stay inside, wash your hands, and take care of yourselves!


End file.
